Bush Olympics

In the lofty tradition of the Olympic Games, we at TOPSOiL are proud to be associated with the presentation of The Games of the First Bush Olympiad. These games are the product of the brave and tireless efforts of the Baron Pierre de Coubertain’s third cousin on his mothers side, Melwyn ‘Spranger’ de Coubertain. After viewing endless coverage of the NBC games, Spranger decided to represent third-world countries with alphabetically challenged names who may never win medals in any of the ‘traditional’ sports, and who are denied the props of seeing their Sportspeople dissed for an arbitrary commercial break.

So sound the horns, prepare the stage and bring on the Coca-Cola sponsorship… we bring you… THE GAMES OF THE FIRST BUSH OLYMPIAD!

100m dash (with and without stolen garden produce)
Qualifying heats for this events take place before the official games. In the final, there were only four entrants since the other participants were all caught by the police. In lane one is Linford Christopher. Linford has chosen a bag of breadfruit from a neighbor’s tree, so he may find it difficult to get off the blocks with all that weight on his shoulders. In lane two is Ahtu Boldface. Judging from the oil running down his chin it seems as though he has selected a bake and bulljohl sandwich. Technically he has not stolen any thing, but he qualifies for this event by sheer audacity alone. Now Ahtu is the best prepared athlete in this field and should he choose to run backwards, the hot air he generates should be able to propel him to the finish. In lane three is Ahtu’s arch-nemesis, Michael Johnyboy.

Through a special dispensation from the Poultry board (they like his style), several concessions were made for Mike. He was allowed in even though his country is not recognized by the International Bush Games Posse (I.B.G.P.); they know it’s there, but they can’t remember it’s name. he is also being allowed to start from the 200m mark in a staggered start. In lane four is ‘Spranger’ himself. He would have the obvious advantage though, since the numerous requests for drug testing at these games were vetoed by Spranger himself.

The starter readies the starter-pistle. Ready… Whap… Whap! And they are off. Oh no, they are stopping! They false started. This is unprecedented in the world of track and field. Usually after the first bull-pistle the athlete freezes in the blocks. The second bull-boy sends them racing. No one has any idea what happens after you are hit a third time.

We’ll bring you back after these messages from the Baghi guy; right next to the goat…

20m cliff diving
Paquito Vasques, last year’s champion in this event couldn’t repeat because of a tremendous late-effort by a geeky looking white guy who was shooting a Pepsi ad at the time.

3m river diving
Sadly, all the contestants in this event perished after their first dive. Apparently, the organizers did not bother to check the depth of the little pool before staging this event. Subsequent efforts to contact the organizers were fruitless. But, in a faxed statement, they claimed that the participants wouldn’t have cared anyway, and that the increased difficulty of the shallow-water dive gets them more points with the ladies. This is one of the many sports that the I.B.G.P. is trying to have regulated. The only stated regulations are that the duck must be curried over a regulation three-stone fire in an iron pot.

100m dash (in progress)
After the first false start, the competiters lined up again to face the starter. Whap…Whap… Ahtu got a clean getaway, but look at how fast Michael Johnyboy ran that curve… he grabbed his fowl and he’s really turning it on now. The false start seems to have affected Christopher… he appears to be arguing with the official… wait he seems to want to run his victory lap before he runs the race…unbelievable! But meanwhile, Spranger has completed the race and is being interviewed by our trackside reporter…

Ah-mad Rushyuh: “What steps did you take to improve your performance today?”

Spranger: “Well I didn’t actually take any steps… I took everything else,but I didn’t take any steps.”

A.R: “You ran an 8.63… Many people believe that you might be on performance enhancing drugs. How would you respond to them?”

Spranger: “I’ve been tested more times than any athlete in history… I have passed every one of those tests”

A.R: “Tested by the I.B.G.P.?”

Spranger: “No, by the C.X.C, the G.C.E and the S.A.T.”

9mm pistol (animate and inanimate object)
These are the real star athletes of these games. This sport receives the most media coverage and prime time news footage. However, once they receive the all-star status that television exposure delivers, these athletes would usually disappear mysteriously for 5 to 25 years, the more accurate competitors drop off the scene completely. So a lot of these guys prefer the relative anonymity of late night competition and usually leave the scene before anyone can get their immediate reaction.

Uzi/AK-47 Standing and moving-vehicle (team and individual competition)
Similar to the 9mm event, these athletes take shots at soda cans in the practice range before going out to the street competition venues. The organizers pick these venues at random, but usually prefer to stage these events in densely populated urban areas. This is one of the events that big business has not really sponsored, with only a few large cartels supporting regional teams. On the individual level, competitors are usually very progressive; self-supportive with small recreational-pharmaceutical enterprises.

The team with the red bandannas seem to be ahead of the team in the black head wear, with only the points from the unarmed woman behind the deli counter at the 7-Eleven separating the two.

100m dash
Ahtu seems to be cruising in with a personal-best of nine seconds flat, plus Michael Johnyboy’s chicken…

A.R.: “Ahtu, you seemed to be the most comfortable finisher of the bunch…”

Ahtu: “well Ah-mad, I had a great start, despite the freak incidents with the false start and all, but my coach and I worked on that in practice. Sometimes he would hit me four, five, even six bull-pistle.. that would usually be for playing the ass…but as I always say, ‘ah lill cut-ass never hurt anybody… just ask Dennis Mitchell; he’s get cut-ass all the time…'”

A.R.: “So you’re satisfied with this result…”

Ahtu: “I can’t say yes or no. But I suppose the real winner here is the clothing company that got to use the footage of me winning a medal in their uniform, without having to pay me anything.”

So there you have it. The bush Olympics were brought to you by your own small countries. And this completely unbiased coverage was brought to you by the N.B.C.: N’terprising Bush Company.

(NBC, Coca Cola & Pepsi are registered trademarks and are in no way related to this publication. No promotional consideration was paid by any company.)