Recipe for a Road March

Ingredients:
1 fist-sized bundle of cheap bandanas
4 dotish taglines
A pinch of overweight dancergirl
1 pitcher of white rum
1 case of extra-strength local beer
A bunch of unimaginative local soca singers (Foreign-based soca signers according to taste.)
Five pairs of dirty short pants
One slightly out of time Chinese dry cleaner/radio host
1 Slightly used 2 Speed blender (96.1V or 98.9V model)
6 Bands of Machocistic Bikini-clad Cocoa-Bodied Hardbodies

Method:
Soak a fist-sized bundle of cheap bandanas, four dotish taglines and a pinch of overweight dancergirl, in a pitcher of white rum (the cheaper the better because you’ll need a lot). Slice poorly constructed verses and spread generously with last year’s hook lines.
Blend briskly in model of choice from Christmas Day to Ash Wednesday (Models do not function in road march recipes during the rest of the year.)

Stuff into an overpriced flourescent bikini one size too small, and sprinkle with beads, glitter and metallic foil.
Garnish with feathers.
Allow four or five contenders to stand for a month, then dash their hopes with last minute Super-Blueband margarine.
After setting for a J’ouvert, allow it to rise for two days in a downtown hot sun (Savannah dust will not settle for four hours after Poison has crossed the stage, so make preparation ‘A’ for this).

A. Select normally quiet teenage girls and wait for them to get government/bank jobs. When ripe (when ripe they have brand new Japanese cars and $1,000.00 more per month than you).
Whip hardbodies into shape around savannah or gym of choice for three months.
Mix them with Big Mike, Ian and their friends.
Flip by throwing numerous band launchings and simmer for two days or until sunburned.

Add mixture to unemployed black illiterate Laventille people and pour over a controversial Soca Monarch competition. This can be left untended unless stage shows signs of being destroyed, in which case, poke holes into the legitimacy of international broadcast arrangements and check the expiry date of lyrical contents.
If the label reads before the previous Ash Wednesday, have a good attorney standing by.
Throw unrepresented calypsonians into a huge frying pan, with burner set on ‘Ketch Ass’. Whilst royalties evaporate, stir in long-term non-negotiable publishing contracts.
Note that some calypsonians may jump out of the pot; these are rapsonians and they will be too hard to crack.
Allow these to fall into the fire.
Tickle their bottoms with the promise of recording an album. They will release singles in May.

Dennis ‘Tayé’ Allen & keifel a.agostini