De whole Bachannal

Nine people in a house with only two of them getting regular sex, is anybody’s formula for a classic Trini bachanal. And that is exactly how de whole thing start off. It had the Starboy and he girlfriend Smallie, and they were in a room seperate from everybody else, so they safe. Tall Saddis start off in de same room with Buffed, sharing a bed. Nahgetnun was in that same room, but he was trying to play like he didn’t see nothing. Of course, Tall Saddis will claim that there was nothing to see, but what you can’t see in the dark, you could use your imagination when you hear… In the next room there was The Diva, alone for the hour. Mascot hold down the couch when it start to get dark, saying that he don’t want to know, he don’t want to see…

That wasn’t really bachanal, until Crash and Burn show up on the scene, that is. Burn had plans for The Diva and Crash end up jumbyin’ de whole scene. He and she had some sparks flyin back in Triniland from before, but Burn say he had tuh, had tuh confess he true love for The Diva. He say dat dey from long time. So when dat mark buss with The Diva and Crash, ting start tuh get tight up dey on dat house on de hill in ‘Bago. Crash storm de nest, demanding a bed and all the priveleges of the paying guest. That sour the whole plan for Burn and The Diva, because she now sayin that he can’t
get no play again. But that come later and I kindah speedin. Let me bring it back…

Well the sun set on the Thursday and talk about fete started. After Starboy gip all de boys out of their funds in a game of dollar knock romey, the girls took to the showers. That was when everybody break out all the gears and start swapping clothes, in that girl’s crew tradition. The Diva come out first, sportsing a wicked halter and the boys stood in an awe that could be seen for miles. Then came Smallie in her get up…oh yes. Tall Saddis emerged in a outfit to test the best. She was undoubtedly on one of her missions, namely; Buffed. After the boys put their eyes back in their heads they throw on whatever, in typical man fashion, everybody got to steppin. Starboy just had tuh go overboard and unleash de Hugo Boss cologne on an unsuspectin Colours Ten, “Bago edition. Elastic car started off as a Yugo two seater that weekend, but after people kept cramming themselves into it, it stretched into a station wagon. So the crew was off at donkey cart speed to the session.

There was nothing spectacular about the dance to start with. The music was decent but the squad just wasn’t getting vibes, except for Tall Saddis who had to advertise. She couldn’t wear draws in dem pants, and it had ah posee by de gate taking bets on weddah she shave ene ah butterfly pattern or ah heart… don’t ask. Burn showed up every once in a while, bellowing at the top of his lungs and acting like it was Party Time auditions. Crash was scarce; more like duckin’ Burn fe real, and the rest of the crew was pretty much jibbin’. Buffed raved for select songs but still ended up sweatier than everybody else, and The Diva and Smallie only seemed to dance when they saw it necessary. Mascot and Nahgetnun were watching all the girls they couldn’t have and eventually got hungry doing it. Starboy try to hook Nahgetnun with a thick thing, but he had to breaks from her himself, the super persona overwhelming the girl’s sensibilities. While Tall Saddis and Buffed were negotiating their upcoming eeky-freaky, some of the crew decided that chicken and chips were in order and Buffed thought he might as well get his energy up. For some strange reason Smallie get vex with Starboy and stand up with her hands on her hips for the rest of the night, nah; the rest of the weekend. Crash and Burn disappear to quarrel about his alcoholism. The Diva was being the social butterfly. When Tall Saddis picked up an alternative man when Buffed went to eat The Diva made her transparent move on the boy. What yuh eye doh see, yuh heart doh greive, dat true. But what yuh padnah sell out by mistake, does send man tuh drink hard. Starboy was not prepared to patch things up with Smallie until they reach the bedroom and Tall Saddis decided to go home with BoyToy, who she
watching since she get she first hairs. She say nothing happened, but when sombody ask her what she do last night, she slip and say she was in Boy Toy pool… she ain’t wear no draws. So someting had tuh get wet at least, right?

Starboy get left on the beach and had to hitch-hike the twenty miles back to the nest. When he reach, is because where he expecting to see Buffed and Tall Saddis, is because Buffed have The Diva wrap up tight like a roti and he grinnin like he thief cheese. Starboy jus plix de light and leave dat foh Nahgetnun tuh maco. Tall Saddis other plans look like they opened up the door for The Diva to weave her magic spell. Starboy didn’t study them; he had his own worries inside his bedroom, and Smallie was bennin’ like ah piece from ah jig-saw puzzle. All that in one night.

The next day was pure stress and drama galore, with everybody jumping on Crash back for dissin’ the vibe. Meantime, Burn playing like he don’t understand women, and confusing the whole lime. When he hear bout buffed and the Diva, he couldn’t take no more, the third bottle of Vat get crack. But is when he see de two ah dem playin tonsil hockey in de bathroom, he really start tuh cause de lime tuh head south. We didn’t even see when he drink all de rum, all we know was that he couldn’t fete in that state, so he would have to chill for the night. That day on de beach, Tall Saddis get blow out from Buffed for playing with his emotions. All she had tuh say was, “when in rome, do as many romans as you can…” With dat, Buffed and The Diva like they get their passport and visa stamp: Nahgetnun say he saw ah blue draws flash past he head at 4.30 a.m. the morning after. He also say’s that his favorite vegetable is carrots… I wasn’t dey, i didn’t see, i doh know.

You would think that after all that, these girls would know to leave Crash alone, right. But you believe the next day, while the boys were on a secret mission, the four of them liming like they grow-up plying moral? Wierd is not the word, but it does come close. Where was Mascot in all this? The man say he just watching everybody. But secretly, between me and you; he was watchin Tall Saddis like he make ah jail and she had ah soap in she hand. Hard like bricks. Of course, he ain’t break in de nineties, so he back like it set in concrete. He have ah trick he does do where he does stop bullets with he back…pi-ong! Yuh know bout bronze man? Well he was de collosus of Tobago!

The boat ride back is enough tantana when you have confirmed tickets, but you imagine these people didn’t even have money to buy tickets? Elastic Car still on an extended, all-expenses-paid vacation down by the airport car park, with everybody basket still in the trunk. When Tall Saddis see what was to happen and she job jumping up in the fire, she pull out a check book and decide to fly everybody back to the zoo. The only problem with that was, she don’t have no ID. Buffed pulled a magic wand out he wallet and ka-zowie: tickets on the first flight to Triniland were in their hand. That do better than me, because i miss my flight and i had to cool my heels in store bay, tryin to get a last minute Blauve. If yuh doh know what blauve is; dat is somewhere between black-till-yuh-blue and blue-till-yuh-mauve… blauve…we go paint de tong bluve. Turn de whole lime upside dong!

Any how, ah take up enough of yuh time with this, so ah gone with dat one. Look out for the other stuff…coming soon to ah mailbox near you.